One of the problems with announcing that you are pregnant to the world on the Internet is that you have to inform the Internet when things go wrong. It wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Looking back, I feel like the reason I announced the pregnancy so early was because some part of me felt uneasy about the whole thing, felt like it wasn't real. And maybe posting about it was a way for me to accept the reality and allow myself to enjoy it. But that obviously wasn't the right thing to do and only ended up biting me in the ass. I guess by now you have assessed that I am no longer pregnant. And you might find it shocking or weird or crazy that I am writing all this and being so candid about it. The truth is, letting things out for the world to see is one of the ways I deal with things. If I just let it all out there, it won't be stuck in me anymore. And everyone is going to find out sooner or later, right? Might as well be from me.
It happened Wednesday night, but the speculation started on Monday. I had a few days to consider that this might be happening so my mind had some time to adjust. It's been a roller coaster kind of month, but I just want everyone to know that we are ok. We really are. Everyone at the hospital was amazing and there was one doctor in particular that helped with me getting past this. We had been in the ER for about 8 hours enduring countless nurses and tests when a new doctor came in to explain some options. At the end he casually said, "You know this wasn't your fault. You didn't cause this." I must have had a puzzled face because he continued with "Some babies are just born with mutations and it isn't meant to be. If it didn't happen now, it would have happened later. But it would have happened and this isn't your fault." I am not sure such few words have ever impacted me more. With those few sentences, I felt peace. So many questions had been answered for me in the past few hours, but not the biggest one of all.
I also want to point out that this situation has brought to my attention how amazing our close friends and family are. We've already had meals made for us and the house cleaned. So much love and care and thoughtfulness will help you get through anything. Snuggling with 2 adorable kids and an awesome husband in the morning doesn't hurt either. So I do regret informing everyone so early about the pregnancy because now it's public and not a private affair, but I am thankful that it's all over and we can move on. And all I ask is that the people who know us make a mental note "Jessi not pregnant, got it" and just leave it be. I know everyone cares about us, but the less we have to hear about it or get asked if we are ok, the faster it becomes a memory and not a current issue we have to deal with. xoxo